… OR BLURRING THE LINES BETWEEN
I find myself in a curious predicament these days: I am both the happiest I’ve ever been, and extremely discontent. Consequently, I spend a lot of time trying to figure out why this is so… which leads to a lot of self-revelation (yay!) and more confusion (boo!). I’m learning that adult life has no pre-ordained hard-drawn boundaries. This is both delightfully freeing and achingly frustrating.
I have made the decision to leave my secure, safe, full-time, benefits-providing job at the end of the summer… to follow my dreams. I’ve become obsessed with giving that last phrase some sort of affect every time I say it out loud or write it down, as a means of deflecting whatever judgment shade others throw at me. Usually, most people are very positive. I’ve realized that it’s me who needs to stop making a joke out of the very real and compelling desire I have to follow my dreams. Especially if, ya know, I plan on doing it and will need emotional support from the people in my life.
Since making this very important and exhilarating and terrifying decision, I’ve realized just how out-of-whack I’ve become. I mean, from an outsider’s perspective, it would seem that I’m in the middle of another depressive episode. I’m making poor food choices. I have little to no energy. I spend a lot of time sleeping or watching Netflix. My room is a mess. But inside, I feel… well, not depressed. I am definitely anxious and scared, but I’m not depressed.
This morning, I woke up at 5:45am. I didn’t even realize that the sun comes up that early. I thought I had left a light on when I fell asleep… and then I realized it was sunlight. The part of me who wants to be a productive and contributing citizen to society thought, “Well, since I’m up, I might as well get some stuff done.” The part of me who is literally trying to process all of this shit was like, “I could do that… or I could just lay in this here bed and do absolutely nothing.” The latter me won out. I eventually fell asleep and woke up again at 11:00am. I tell myself I should embrace these moments, as I know I probably will not be able to do this once I quit my job. But I know that’s bullshit. I know I’m just making excuses.