While I Was Sleeping

… OR REASONS TO STAY BOSSED UP!

The cat is finally out of the bag.

I’ve officially begun telling folks that I am quitting my (safe, secure, benefits-providing, salary-paying, full-time) job to pursue living as, working as, and being an artist for a year.

Every time I tell someone else what my grand plan is, it becomes a little more real. As the words march out of my mouth, they take on a life and mission of their own. I realize that this is, indeed, what I have committed to doing. Even if for the simple fact that I’ve told so many people about it now, there’s no going back. The Universe is doing an excellent job holding me accountable. I guess it’s time I finally start believing it and showing up for myself.

I think one of the reasons I struggling with fully showing up for myself is, I’m not actually going anywhere just yet. I’m committed to staying where I am until the end of August. This is both really important to me for personal and professional reasons, but it’s also a necessary part of this process. So while I am emotionally, spiritually, and mentally preparing myself for The Next Big Thing… I am still very much so keen on being where I’m at.

I often tell myself that it’s no big deal. I’ve got time. I’ve got time. Well, that may very well be true—I do have time! But there will come a point when my time has run out. And I have to make sure I’m prepared. (Well, as prepared as I can be.)

In the past 48 hours, I’ve gotten some “signs” from the Universe telling me that I’m doing a piss-poor job of keeping it bossed up during this transition time. June is supposed to be the month where I’m setting things up and strategically building. So far, I’ve done a lot of sleeping, eating, and watching Game of Thrones (S3E9 will forever live in TV infamy!). However, I have not done a lot of planning or preparing. Yesterday, when I made a decision not to attend an open mic—even though that’s a big part of my strategic building—PRINCE WAS IN THE AUDIENCE and I had to read about it on my friends’ Facebook statuses. And today, I was taking a nap when a message came in about an opportunity that just may be exactly what I’m looking for… but I’m not apart of it (yet). Literally, I have been sleepin’ on my own damn self and my own damn dreams. (Pun intended.)

To some degree, I know that I cannot prepare for every single step of this journey. When the end of August comes, I will be jumping into the Great Unknown regardless. I can hope for a soft landing, but it’s not guaranteed. All I can do is jump and pray that the metaphorical gravity is much kinder to me than real gravity would be.

This doesn’t excuse me from handling my business, though. Especially since I’m the only person who is handling my business. I’m my manager. I’m my agent. I represent myself. I’m going to be one entrepreneurial, self-enterprising mother-lover by the end of this summer. And I’m committed to this FOR A YEAR. You know, 365 days and all. And if I’m keepin’ it 100, I do not have the financial means to do this without income for a year. So yeah, I need to wake up. I need to stay that way.

I think because I’ve felt so empowered and proud of myself and hopeful about all of this, I’ve been floating inside a little bubble. Things are very la-la-la-la in my head these days… which is WONDERFUL. I’ve fought very hard over the last nine or so months to be this happy and self-possessed and determined. Now I have to be proactive. Now I have to be responsible. Now I have to figure out a way to exist in this transitioning space.

I have to be more present than ever.

 

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