… OR WHY I’VE BEEN M.I.A.
I apologize. It’s been a long, hot minute since I’ve updated.
This has been one of the busiest summers to date. I mean, I think I’m busier this summer than I was last summer. It doesn’t make sense. Last summer, I was executive director of a grassroots organization. I was co-coaching a youth slam team for Brave New Voices. I was chaperoning a youth slam team at BNV. I was training new students for my day job and learning the ropes of a new position. And still, I feel busier. Or maybe I just have a poor memory.
Needless to say, things are VERY busy these days. I thought that by quitting my job to follow my dreams, I’d have a laid-back summer. I wanted a laid-back summer. Instead, it’s been trying to tie up loose ends. It’s been learning the ropes (again) of my new part-time position. (I’ll have secure income next year, y’all! Woop!) It’s been co-creating and co-producing a show with two of my closest sistafriends… and learning how to speak their language(s). It’s been writing, writing, writing and finding opportunities to get myself out there as a writer. It’s been crazy.
And amidst this all, I’ve been re-visioning and re-evaluating what I want the upcoming year (or two) to look like. I decided that it may end up being a second year, and I’m OK with that. I realized that I may need a little more time to “get my life” than I anticipated, and I’m learning how to be OK with that. I decided that as much as I want this year to be about writing and creating and artistry… I also want it to be about ME. Just ME, learning how to live and take care of myself and embrace joy as a full-time job. I realized that it’s a great privilege to be able to say, “Hey! I’m gonna quit my job and live at home and work part-time and just be an artist.” And it’s not a privilege to be ashamed about or run away from. But it is an immense privilege.
And so, I’m here. I’m happy. I’m all over the place. I feel like I’m way too busy and also terribly unproductive all at the same time. There are never enough hours in the day. And this is life. This is my life, for a very long time (Lord willin’). And I have to get used to it. I’m getting used to it.
I’ve had some conversations with friends lately, on the self-reflective part of growing up. It’s uncanny how it’s a universal and alienating experience all at the same time. You never feel “prepared” enough. It happens in the doing, not in the planning. (But planning is part of being “grown”.) Most parents don’t do a good job explaining what it will feel like. But then again, how can they? There’s no clear delineation between childhood/adolescence and adulthood. You make it all up as you go. Your decisions and actions are your own, even when it feels like the opposite. You are FREE, even when it feels like you’re not. It’s a beautiful time. And an exhausting time. And an overrated time. It’s so much of everything.
And so, I guess I’ve just been working through it all. And I want to take some time while I still can to work through it all. Because this is the time to do so. When I’m grown enough to handle business, but I’m still young enough to have a support system. When I’m free enough to travel and be a little impetuous. You know, I’m a pretty big fan of my 20’s. And so, I want to use this time wisely and intentionally. I don’t want to be IRRESPONSIBLE. But I also don’t want to set myself up on a path that is not mine to follow.
Just hang in there with me… It’s all coming together. I can feel it.