The past week, I received a little divine affirmation… and that little bit has gone a long way.
In the past week, I have begun learning that I am “enough”. It has taken me a long time to get here. Through my adolescence and early adulthood, I have always compared myself to others and been hyper-critical of myself. In some ways, this has served me. Having a competitive core, it’s a motivator and catalyst to get shit done and do it well. For this, I am grateful. But often, it leads to feelings of inadequacy and self-indulgent existential crises. For the most part, it has tricked me into thinking that I am not happy… and I won’t be happy until I am as near to whole, balanced, good, perfect as I can be.
Y’all, this is a shit way to go through life.
Three years ago, I started seeing a life coach and spiritual practitioner. I love going to therapy. I think everyone should go to therapy. But when I moved back to Los Angeles after graduation, I knew I wasn’t giving Kaiser and their sorry psychiatry department a dime. A close friend suggested this woman. I bonded with her instantly. I’ve been seeing her on-and-off since, usually to work through the same issues. I’ll choose to end our time when I feel I’ve made a breakthrough… or when I have run out of funds.
Two weeks ago, I returned to our sessions. Between the work I did during the past year and my summer of unemployment, I was feeling some type of way about my life path and self-worth. It’s hard for me to trust friends and family with these feelings, so I elected to see my coach. More than anything, she just has a gracious and open spirit. There is a kindness to her that I haven’t experienced with anyone else. It’s not so much that she tells me what to do… But she listens to me. She really listens to me, with patience. And a lot of times, it’s hard for me to really hear myself. And I definitely have no patience. So going to her is a necessary experience when I’m having all the woe-is-me and why-can’t-I-get-my-life feelings.
She has said the same thing to me over and over throughout the years, in different reiterations. Basically, that I have to be present with myself and stop focusing all of my energy outward. For the first time, I’m starting to understand what she means. I’m starting to put it into practice.
It is hard. It is such a subtle thing. Instead of thinking I will be “enough” when I have lost a bunch of weight or progressed in my writing or gotten a dream job… I have to open myself up to the possibility that I am enough. You know, I sound like a hippie as I’m writing this. And in this particular moment, I don’t feel very “present” or “enough.” But throughout this week, I have experienced an insane amount of love—most of it from strangers. And the Universe has offered me some very special blessings. And in those moments of love and offering, I did feel enough. I felt my usual messy, ridiculous self. But I also felt that I was a valuable person, despite all my messy.
And so, here I am. Here I am.
I’m moving into the next few months, which will be hectic and busy. And instead of thinking that I could better handle all the busy and hectic if I was more organized or had more energy… I’m choosing to accept that what I come equipped with is enough for me to get shit done.