Black Girl Dreamin’

This week has been such an important one for trying to get a plan together for my life over the next few years, as I get ready to go to grad school and get even more serious about living and succeeding as a writer.

After years of being confused about what I want to do and how I’m going to make it happen, I finally have a clear vision and intention about both. I’m exciting for what it on the horizon. And I’m excited for what feels like me finally coming into my own, my grown, my sexy.

I’m not sure when I last wrote on this blog — or what I wrote — so I’m not sure if I made the official announcement yet. But yeah… I was accepted to USC’s School of Cinematic Arts for the MFA program in Writing for Screen and Television. It’s probably the most exciting news I’ve received in a really long time. USC was my first choice school, so the fact that they wanted and chose me feels really good. I begin my classes in August, Lawd and financial aid be willing.

I think my acceptance into USC has really affirmed that I’m on the “right” path. I’ve spent a lot of time doubting myself and if I have what it takes to be the kind of creative I dream of being. When you’re living to paycheck to paycheck — and voluntarily about to take out thousands of dollars in debt — it can be very hard to feel confident and self-assured about the decision to be a writer, artist, and creative entrepreneur. It seems “silly” to most people.

But in those seemingly never-ending moments of self-doubt, I have to remember weeks like this — where intellectually and spiritually, everything is just coming together in ways that make sense. Yes, what I want to do is hella ambitious and very risky, but I honestly believe I’m doing the things and pursuing the path that God intended for me. And who am I to tell God that He/She/They is/are wrong? The Universe has been working this kind of stuff out for a lot longer than I have, so I’m just gonna keep working towards my goals.

I’ve been working with a life coach and spiritual mentor on and off for the past few years. And she’s amazing, because she never hesitates to bolster my ego, by reminding me that she believes I can do awesome things in my life. This week it has been easier to agree with her.

And it’s not even just about career or long-term goals either.

Even with more personal things, like my body and my romantic life (or non-romantic life, should I say?), I can feel shifts occurring. I’ve recommitted myself to healthy eating and lifestyle changes. With the pressures and responsibilities of grad school, it’s important that I have a routine and system in place for self-care. I want to be present with my studies, present in the journey I’m about to take. I don’t want to have to worry about not being able to handle my classes and the experience, because I’m always sick or tired or physically exhausted/burnt out.

And so, I decided that now is the time to get this shit on lock. I’ve been eating more fruits and vegetables and whole foods. I’ve been drinking more tea and water. I’ve tried very hard to cut out processed foods and refined sugars. I’ve had a couple of slip-ups with Mexican food, cake, and ice cream, but overall I’m doing good. I have more energy, my mood is more balanced, and my skin has cleared up. And in general, I’m more clear about things — desires, needs, goals, relationships, etc.

After I have the healthy eating part down, I want to focus on my fitness and activity levels. Working from home for the last two years, I’ve gotten really lazy and really content with just sitting at home on my ass for days on end. I have even more of a pancake booty than I did before, and my fitness ability is probably atrocious. But I’m going to work on getting fit and just being more active period. In my dream of dreams, I want to be the kind of Carefree Black Girl who wakes up at 6am and drinks tea and does yoga and then goes out and conquers the world while looking fabulous and getting shit done all day long. This is not currently my reality, but I have faith that I’ll get there soon enough.

I always forget how returning to my body and making sure it’s taken care of has such a huge impact on how I feel in general. I spent so many years disconnected from my body, hating and wanting to erase it. Adulthood has largely been a battle in learning to accept and love my body, and exist in it unapologetically. I’m not 100% comfortable at my current size and activity level, but I no longer yearn to be skinny anymore. Yes, I want to be healthy. Yes, I want to be fit. But if I’m a “big girl” for the rest of my life — and I most likely will be — I’m perfectly OK with that, as long as I look and feel my best. And looking/feeling my best does not mean I have to be model thin.

In the coming months, I hope to begin blogging regularly (for real). I’d love to write 3-4 times per week on this blog, and maybe once or twice a week on my health and fitness based blog. But you know, we’ll see about that…

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