Showing Up for Myself

I am trying to re-teach myself accountability. It’s hard, to say the least.

I think the hardest thing about pursuing a career in the arts / working from home / adulthood in general is developing an internal sense of accountability. My whole life, I’ve gauged “how I was going” by the reactions of others. And more than anything, I did things because I wanted affirmation. I did good work, not for the sake of doing good work, but because I wanted someone else to sing my praises.

Ironically, I am learning — as an artist and as a human — that this is actually counterproductive to “doing good work.” Because when the praise stops, as it often does, so does my motivation to not only produce good work, but to produce much of anything.

And guess what? Life doesn’t care about my feelings. Life wants me to work, because that’s what a majority of life is: putting in the work, showing up.

I don’t know why these lessons — about work, discipline, accountability — have been the hardest for me to learn, but they are. And now, about to enter my 26th year, I’m coming to accept that these are my lessons to learn and I have to show up for the education.